Unruly Toddlers furious at Union Reps
By Eric Almaguer
In a stunning development, moments before the deadline to reach a new collective bargaining agreement with The Parents League was set to expire, the union representing the Unruly Toddlers Association conceded to all demands in an 11th hour deal.
Parents League commissioner Janet Hills acknowledged Thursday it had been “a challenge” conducting labor negotiations. “Children want what they want when they want it,” Hills began, “but every time we presented a serious proposal they would just pretend to read it in this really annoying voice that bugged the shit out of everyone.”
The Toddlers Association quickly rejected the Parents initial proposal, and the league finally made a second attempt at the end of last month that didn’t interest the union, who were busy building a fort out of bed sheets in the living room.
“I don’t know what the fuck these immature assholes expected, quite honestly,” said Tyler Smith, lead negotiator for the Parents. “That they were going to eat candy all day and piss on the floor so the parents could cater to their every whim?”
“That’s exactly what I expected,” began a seemingly intoxicated Shiloh Blackwood, age 3, of Portland,OR. “This is a bunch of alligator poop! I have to clean my room AND brush my teeth just to get a couple of fucking bedtime stories?”
Toddlers had balked at the Parents desire for a hard cap bed-time system to replace the current one that allows for certain exceptions whenever the fuck the toddlers feel like it.
Commissioner Hills didn’t deny that a hard bed-time could force the toddlers to throw a conniption fit at inopportune times, most likely in public.
“It’s the only loop hole. They have to do it, but they don’t have to like it. And there are no rules allowing for how long they can take their fucking sweet ass time acting like complete retards just to embarrass the shit out of us.”
The Parents League also won provisions to slash unconditional love by nearly 400%, along with guaranteed reductions for the amount of quality time they have to spend with their children.
“I’m pretty sure we got sold down the river,” infuriated toddler Jeffrey Lynot theorized. “After the deal was announced our union rep had chocolate all over his face before he rode off on his brand new big wheel. I mean, who can afford a big wheel on a toddlers salary?
“It was a broken system,” relieved parent Hannah Schmidt admitted, “but now it’s fixed.”
But at least one concerned parent didn’t sound so confident in the new deal. “I’ll believe it when I see it,” said a weary Noelle Labrousse of Clarksdale, KY.“These assholes never follow the rules.”